His version of a heartbreak

His version of a heartbreak

Shes saying things she doesn’t mean
Threatens to leave
Blames me for her unhappiness
Stays out late
Distances herself

She won’t talk
Walks right past
Avoids conversation
There is no time for me

~

Today she left me
Cold and alone
Her belongings scattered
Taking what was needed
Was gone before I made it home

I fall to the ground
Head in my hands
My chest tightens
Eyes swell

~

I haven’t heard from her
Where is she?
I dial her number
but never make the call

Numb the feeling
Spend nights gaming
Long days working
Girls every weekend

Lets keep pretending
Nothing is wrong

~

She messaged me
I sensed relief
I feel hurt
This is worse.

Shes saying she means what she says
Wants to return
Apologises for the blame games
Promises commitment
Brings herself back to me

~REPEAT~

 

Which way do I go?

I struggle with wanting to do everything, all at once, with no real sense of direction or consistency. 

Some days I will wake up and decide that I want to travel overseas, explore the earth and grow because of my experiences. Other days I will crave a family, children of my own that I can teach and learn from. My dreams never quite align with each other, you can’t really travel the world while raising children. Renovating a house isn’t possible without a stable income, so being a full time student so I can get my degree faster won’t happen. Studying full time for 3 years will prevent me from being able to travel AND have the family I desire. You see what I mean?

I try to envision myself in so many different scenarios, yet none of them truly feel like they’re “me” enough. It’s an awfully confusing situation to be in. I second guess so many life choices and wonder if I’m even on track to end up where ever I want this life to take me. My goals change daily. My bar is set a little higher as each moment passes. 

It’s really weird going through life wanting so much while also knowing that it’s probably more than the future will bring. I want to do so many things, yet I know that I’ll only achieve a handful because of my overlapping priorities. I definitely believe that the grass is greener on the other side. I want to have an amazing life but I genuinely don’t know how to make it happen when I don’t really know what I want to do. 


I’m not sure if my feelings are normal for my age or if I’m just a complete mess, but I do know for sure that all I want in the end is to be happy. 

Priorities change 

Priorities change 

Today I pressed a button I did not ever think I would. The button is known as failure to some. This button is known as ‘giving up’ to others. To me, this button confirms my priorities. 

The withdrawal button. 

For someone so ‘dedicated to my studies’ I am pretty shocked to be writing this today. My priorities have changed. I realise I am unable to master the life of Wonder Women. I realise I am unable to master all I do, really well. I realise my heart is not in my Masters studies anymore. 

It is not a complosary for me. It is not the end of my career. It is now up to me. 
I can currently succeed at work. I can soon excel. I can currently get things done. I can soon do more. I can commit to work. I can soon commit to fast development. 

A friend of mine keeps saying ‘do you’ and although it took 20 times to repeat this it finally sunk in. I am finally changing my priorities, for me. I let go of something my heart was not in anymore and am now focusing on the things I am proud of.  

Bridget x

PCOS Awareness Month: My story (so far)


It’s been almost three months since my last period. Three months might sound like a long time but I’m the same girl that has gone years without having a period so at this point, I kinda can’t complain.

“Polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS, is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the sex hormones estrogen and progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts (benign masses on the ovaries). PCOS can cause problems with a women’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance.”

– Healthline.com

It was 2011. I was in my first year of uni and I went to see my doctor as it had been about 3 years since I had a period. She immediately freaked out – apparently my old doctor was very wrong when he said that it was just my body adjusting after a round of depo provera that I had when I was 15 (you’ve gotta love bad medical advice!). I was sent off for blood tests and an ultrasound of my ovaries. The blood test wasn’t so bad, but I am seriously scarred from having a strange man prod a giant dildo shaped ultrasound wand inside my vagina with a bladder so full that I almost pissed myself as he did his inspection. The experience was unpleasant to say the least.

My results came back and yep – she was right – I had PCOS. I was 19 at the time and absolutely mortified. I had so many thoughts running through my mind.. Would I ever get pregnant? Why the fuck didn’t that first doctor give a shit about my concerns years ago? Why me?!.. I was lucky to have a very supportive boyfriend at the time (thanks Johnny – I’ll never forget the way you always cared for me) and friends who were there to figure it all out alongside me. I was given Metformin to help control my insulin resistance and advised to go on the pill to regulate my period.

Now if anyone has ever had to take Metformin, you’ll know how much of a shit time it is. Literally. I followed doctors orders and took my 500mg pills once a day until I built up some tolerance, but then after I eventually got to 1500mg a day and shat myself in the car on my way home from work, I decided that I wasn’t yet ready for medication. Met does awful things to your stomach and I wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone.

Women with PCOS have ovaries that create an abundance of follicles each month without producing an egg. PCOS can contribute to irregular periods, depression, excessive weight gain (despite diet and exercise efforts), acne, and excess facial hair.

– Women to Women

A few years have since passed and my biggest struggle has become my weight. I don’t have the hairiness issues, my acne has finally calmed down in the last year or so, but my waistline has increased. I’m not overly fat, but I’m far larger than the girl I used to be. I try really hard to cut down on unnecessary fats, sugars and additives, but as a busy twenty something it can be really difficult to be perfect 100% of the time. I’ve tried getting rid of gluten, and have slowly introduced a larger variety of veges into my diet, but I still have so far to go. I sit comfortably at about the same weight with little fluctuation, so at least I’m not getting bigger.

Fertility is something that I am going to have to take seriously someday soon. I know the stats – I have to reduce my BMI to increase my chances of pregnancy. I’m only 23, but I’m getting married in just over a year and kids are in my 5 year plan. I think it’s been about 4 or 5 years since I’ve properly taken a contraceptive (beyond condoms) and despite numerous amounts of unprotected sex, I haven’t fallen pregnant. It hasn’t really been a big deal to me in the past as I was in no position to have a kid anyway, but as my life is becoming a bit more stable the reality of children is much closer than it has ever been before.

At this point in time, I suffer with PCOS but I don’t have the motivation to fully kick it in the ovaries just yet. I’m comfortable with ignoring my problems for a little bit longer. If you thought this would be a positive and encouraging story about how I overcame my diagnosis, I’m dreadfully sorry that I haven’t been able to give you that today. This chapter of my life is still open and one day I hope to be added to the list of chicks that have an empowering message to share. I’d love to hear your experiences with PCOS, maybe you can motivate me!

 

Turning one page at a time

If you could have told me six years ago that this what I would have achieved by the age of 24 I would have laughed at you. At the age of 18 I was determined that I would own a house, have a long term relationship, a rewarding career and potentially even a child.  Here I am, only just hitting my career off the ground and making decisions based on maybes and the unknowns.

Many of my friends are engaged, married, pregnant or are a parent already. Your’s might be too.  I used to question if I was moving to slow and if I  was ticking the right boxes for a 24 year old. Over time I accepted that I am where I am because I did what I did to get here.

My story as a twenty something is  not what I anticipated it to be.
For me, establishing a career is alot harder than I thought.
For me, getting this far in my studies to only want to study more was never on the cards.
For me, having a home and being a mother is not a priority right now.

It is so important to be proud of what you have achieved. Give yourself time to reflect. Give yourself some time to be in the sun and under the stars. Life moves so fast and the people who go with it. Your friend may move in one direction and you may move in another. Put your heart into the things you love. Distance yourself from the people who bring you down.

Turn one page at a time.

 Bridget x

turning-one-page-at-a-tme

 

 

A chaotic decision

It’s nearly been a year since I made a choice to walk down a road without him. I convinced myself I could do all I wanted to do, alone. Somehow he was the only thing holding me back from being able to travel and move up in my career. Realistically the only thing holding me back from anything was my negative mindset and inability to blame myself.

He is normal twentysomething guy with a strong personality, desire to know all there is about technology and innovation and has a unique music taste. He has many friends. He is renowned for his ability to have fun. He teaches himself something new every day. He spent time on us. He sacrificed what he could for us to be happy. He truly loved me once upon a time.

We had been together for a few years and were fortunate enough to  share the experience of university and life on the farm. He lived in another city to me for a year and then worked in another city for another year. He came and spent most weekends with me. When university came to an end we moved in together twenty minutes from the city to live life on a farm. He was a dairy farmer and I moved into my role of communications and events in the city. Some would say we were set up well to start a family. Some would say we were set up for failure.

I would blame life on the farm for my unhappiness. The farm definitely wasn’t for me. I put it in my head that he wasn’t willing to move back into the city, even though he was. I blamed him for my uncertainty –  I wasn’t willing to let him help me through it.  One day, I gave up.

December last year I made the decision to let go of the one guy in my life who persevered with me through university. I made my decision in a time where I was unsettled. Through the chaos in my mind I decided to leave all we had, and him.

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The first month was fine. Okay, it hadn’t sunk in properly. Two months in and boom emotions came out of nowhere. I was definitely by myself. My levels of motivation dropped significantly. My levels of confidence hit ground bottom. What had I possibly done? I had burnt a bridge and it was not going to repair itself any time soon.

I did not become a new person as people say you do – I just ran with life as it came. Some days I would cry. Some days I would laugh. Some days I would socialise. Some days I ran away. Some days I over achieved and others I would do the minimum. Turns out the next few months was really just one roller coaster ride I could not wait to be over.

I wanted to message him – he didn’t want to talk to me. .
I wanted to fix what I broke- no glue will put the pieces together the way they were.
I wanted him back- I was just feeling lonely.

Seven months later….

Today, I am fine. I don’t message him. I still care for him.
I have grown up. I am less selfish. I am happy.
I know he is happy without that girl I was and who I never want to be again.

Today, he is well. He doesn’t message me. I am sure he will care for me again one day.
He has grown up. He remains selfless. He is happy.
He knows he is happier without the girl I was back then.

I am still unsure what drove me to think I could do all without him or that I needed to leave him to ‘find myself’ – If I gave him the time to talk we may have gone further. I wanted more than I could even articulate. I wanted something I didn’t even know myself.

Bridget x 

 

 

Driving your career forward

Have you ever been told by a lecturer at university that when you leave you will get a job in your desired field of study, 50-70 grand a year and a manager who takes the time to mentor you into a young professional? I was.

I was with the bulk majority who leave university with piling debt and no real direction as to what next. I was one in the thousands every year who leave with hope that a rewarding job finds them.

I applied for twenty jobs and did not hear back from any. I tried again a couple of months later and failed. I would get an interview and fail once again. Eventually I just gave up. It did not matter if I had awesome grades and a friendly, outgoing personality – its more than that in this fast paced, competitive economy. Employers want to know what you can bring to their organisation they do not currently have. Of course you google what it is they do, come up with some great idea/s around what it is you could bring to the table but if you do not have a plan from start to end with contingencies in mind you are no match for them.

“You can’t get a job because you don’t have experience” is a phrase you will hear all to often. “I can’t get experience because I can’t get a job” is what you will replay in your head.

Lets take it back to university… how important is the effort you put in to getting experience whilst at university? SO important! You observe and learn from others who have experience in a particular field. You learn what worked and what did not, question why, how and why not? This will separate you from the bulk majority. Developing networks is another key piece of advice I give to you because people know people who know of opportunities. This will separate you from the majority. Put yourself in the drivers seat of your own success. If you want that job, go for it. If you are not successful, ask the recruiting manager what it would take to be successful. This will separate you from some. Get involved in what you are passionate about- community events, fundraising events, culture, arts, music, business and innovation competitions. This will separate you from a few. Take a chance! This may mean moving cities, changing lifestyles, changing…you. Ensure you align your mindset with determination to create your own success and… accept that it may take you time to step up the ladder but you will get there. Stick it out!

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When I left university I created my first job in communications and events. I was using my degree, yes, but bound to a fixed term contract on $17 a hour. I was left to be autonomous and while I was more than capable at this, I failed. I forgot to ask for help and learn the ‘right from the wrong’ and as a result many of my outputs were only half achieved. I left this job in June 2015 and moved into my second job from university as a personal assistant/ recruitment coordinator. I am using my degree, bound to a permanent contract and  on $27 a hour. I have a manager who spends time listening to my questions and works with me to find the answer. I am autonomous and more than capable to deliver achievable outputs. How did I get here? I kept driving in the right direction.

If you ask the right questions, put in the effort, ask for more, learn and develop your skills in more than just your field of work I can guarantee your peers and leaders will respect you. Over time you will develop a well established brand and a reputation. If you go with what you think is right, stick with what you know and do not find the opportunities to grow yourself you become stuck.

Keep asking for more. Keep trying. Keep driving forward.

Bridget x