A chaotic decision

It’s nearly been a year since I made a choice to walk down a road without him. I convinced myself I could do all I wanted to do, alone. Somehow he was the only thing holding me back from being able to travel and move up in my career. Realistically the only thing holding me back from anything was my negative mindset and inability to blame myself.

He is normal twentysomething guy with a strong personality, desire to know all there is about technology and innovation and has a unique music taste. He has many friends. He is renowned for his ability to have fun. He teaches himself something new every day. He spent time on us. He sacrificed what he could for us to be happy. He truly loved me once upon a time.

We had been together for a few years and were fortunate enough to  share the experience of university and life on the farm. He lived in another city to me for a year and then worked in another city for another year. He came and spent most weekends with me. When university came to an end we moved in together twenty minutes from the city to live life on a farm. He was a dairy farmer and I moved into my role of communications and events in the city. Some would say we were set up well to start a family. Some would say we were set up for failure.

I would blame life on the farm for my unhappiness. The farm definitely wasn’t for me. I put it in my head that he wasn’t willing to move back into the city, even though he was. I blamed him for my uncertainty –  I wasn’t willing to let him help me through it.  One day, I gave up.

December last year I made the decision to let go of the one guy in my life who persevered with me through university. I made my decision in a time where I was unsettled. Through the chaos in my mind I decided to leave all we had, and him.

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The first month was fine. Okay, it hadn’t sunk in properly. Two months in and boom emotions came out of nowhere. I was definitely by myself. My levels of motivation dropped significantly. My levels of confidence hit ground bottom. What had I possibly done? I had burnt a bridge and it was not going to repair itself any time soon.

I did not become a new person as people say you do – I just ran with life as it came. Some days I would cry. Some days I would laugh. Some days I would socialise. Some days I ran away. Some days I over achieved and others I would do the minimum. Turns out the next few months was really just one roller coaster ride I could not wait to be over.

I wanted to message him – he didn’t want to talk to me. .
I wanted to fix what I broke- no glue will put the pieces together the way they were.
I wanted him back- I was just feeling lonely.

Seven months later….

Today, I am fine. I don’t message him. I still care for him.
I have grown up. I am less selfish. I am happy.
I know he is happy without that girl I was and who I never want to be again.

Today, he is well. He doesn’t message me. I am sure he will care for me again one day.
He has grown up. He remains selfless. He is happy.
He knows he is happier without the girl I was back then.

I am still unsure what drove me to think I could do all without him or that I needed to leave him to ‘find myself’ – If I gave him the time to talk we may have gone further. I wanted more than I could even articulate. I wanted something I didn’t even know myself.

Bridget x 

 

 

5 thoughts on “A chaotic decision

  1. Bridget we all go through emotional chaos. It is quiet relieving once you understand why it happened. However, meanwhile try to treat yourself kindly, try and be less self-critical. As rightfully written, it is important to ‘find yourself’.

    I enjoyed what you have written. Keep doing it!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I know people who have given up good relationships simply because they knew that had to go on their own for a little while. I can feel that your heart still cries for this past relationship, even though you have gained a lot of strength since then. And it might be good or bad news I suppose, but this relationship will always be with you. Personally I think it’s good, it just takes more distance.

    To me, it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself though. A long time ago it might make sense to get into a relationship when very young, when your main task in life was pro-creation and keeping yourself fed, but life is certainly more than that. And if you are someone who wants that long term loving relationship, then it’s important that you do know yourself, and love yourself. It has been my experience that when you don’t figure out who you are first, you lose yourself in the love of another, and it feels great in those first two years when you are on that “high” of being in love. But it fades. Then you realize that you who you are is so wrapped up in the person you are with, and while that can be healthy, when you don’t know who you are it can be very stressful. I think we need some solitude in life to understand ourselves. To know what’s really important. When we are young we change so much as well, that sometimes when we are in a serious relationship we don’t even realize how we have changed, or how we need to grow to become better and improve. Thank you for you kind words on my blog, and I wish you the best of luck. You seem like a good soul.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You are very welcome. Thank you for putting yourself out there on the internet. It takes courage. I hope you continue to write and explore, you seem to be quite competent at it. Not everyone is. Cheers Bridget. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

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